Incoherance adhered to

Right now I feel completely drained of all academic energy. Somehow doing work feels like throwing up- not only regurgitating words and thoughts in your own form but it leaves you exhausted and ill. I feel no creative drive to exist in school there just has to be something more. I’m tired of being faced with this literature literature literature and just being told to write another paper. I could tell you again why I think hegemonic norms are bad news but I’ll be damned if we ever get to a place where someone will listen to me. Hearing, listening- there’s a difference and whoever I’m speaking to when I write is probably just going to hear what I say without listening. Monotony should be easy by now, but that’s the problem, these ideas come too easy, thoughts and description, eloquence and rhetoric, subtracted from the real world while eulogizing the passing of the good things. I would ask “when do we get there?” but I wouldn’t know where “there” was or if I’d know it when I saw it. What terrifies me more is that I’m already here and that all this is just me trying to displace the emptiness of the exercise by imposing a teleos. I would sure like to think this matters but maybe it does only to the degree it’s hurting me. There is probably a way to write this into a paper, into the voice of academics, into active tense with no be verbs and, fuck, I probably will write it into that one day. That sickens me, the detached scholarly thought that arranges things just so as to remove their meaning and leave you with nothing to hold onto but a collection of the symbolic.

I don’t make sense but that’s the damn point.