Maybe this concerns Derrida.

I’m considering the path I will attempt to take for the next few years, and I’ve concluded that unless I’m willing to take myself totally out of my comfort zone, there’s very little reason to be alive. If for some reason I’ve concluded, involuntarily or not, that I have found the right living arrangement, relationship, whatever, for life, there is very little meaning to the continuing of my life. A commitment is a form of closing off just as much as it is a confirmation of an ideal state of affairs.

Unintelligability is the essence of communication, for communication only becomes necessary to the degree that some experience or fact is not already communicated/intelligible. That is why I only feel the need to talk or write when I already am uncomfortable. My relative lack of written communication when I am here is a sign of why I feel like I must leave: there’s nothing to work out, nothing not already self evident about my life that requires me to question my life. Nausea forms the foundation for communication that performs a change in mental approach to the world. I feel that much of my life here in Austin seems like an involuntary reaction that leaves me very little space for change. I’m not convinced that being here helps or would give me any real reason to live my life as if it was worth it.

I suppose on a smaller scale, this is why I think most conversations I have should be inquisitive or in some way confrontational. I want something to be produced problematized or thought about; if someone leaves a conversation unchanged then it may not have happened in the first place; you have created personal communicative amnesia. I need my life to ask better questions of me in order to be happy.


Duncan